Personal Story
How to Handle the Question “How Are You?”
By Momma R
Four honest answers that don’t betray your reality or drain your energy Few questions are as loaded in grief as “How are you?” It’s asked casually, often without space for a real answer—and yet answering it can feel like a small act of self-betrayal. Saying “fine” can feel false. Telling the truth can feel exhausting. The work here isn’t to perform wellness or educate others. It’s to respond in a way that protects your energy and stays aligned with what’s real for you. Below are four honest responses you can use—depending on the moment, the relationship, and your capacity.
1. “I’m taking it one day at a time.” This answer is grounded, truthful, and doesn’t invite interrogation. It signals that things are ongoing without opening the door to a full explanation. It’s especially useful in work settings or casual interactions where depth isn’t appropriate. Why it works: It honors reality without oversharing. It sets a boundary while remaining human.
2. “Some moments are okay. Some are really hard.” This response is honest and nuanced. It reflects the lived truth of grief—that it’s not one constant state. Use this when you’re speaking to someone who has earned a little more access, but you still don’t want to carry the conversation. Why it works: It disrupts the false binary of “fine” vs. “not fine” and lets complexity exist without requiring you to manage their reaction.
3. “I’m not great—but I’m managing.” This is a clear, self-respecting answer. It tells the truth without collapsing into it. It’s appropriate when you want to be real but don’t have the energy to explain why or how. Why it works: It centers your experience, not their comfort. It names difficulty while affirming your agency.
4. “I don’t really have a short answer for that.” This response is a boundary in sentence form. It’s especially helpful when you’re asked the question reflexively, or by someone who isn’t prepared to hold a real answer. Why it works: It stops the conversation without shutting down connection. It protects you from having to translate a complex inner world into something palatable.
A final note You are not required to make your grief understandable, digestible, or reassuring. “How are you?” is a social habit—not a mandate. You’re allowed to choose answers that conserve your energy, reflect your truth, and change from day to day. The goal isn’t to answer perfectly. It’s to answer in a way that doesn’t cost you more than you can give.